When I was in college, I lived with my dad and Sonny, a cat that was basically a feline psychopath. One of his weird habits — probably the least weird one, really — was stealing towels. The moment you took one off your body to get dressed, it was gone. I don’t know how he did it. He’d wind it up into a kind of tube shape, bite one end, and then he’d violate it. They’d ultimately wind up in the coat closet–a big, soggy, terrycloth pile covered with fur and cat saliva. My father referred to it as his harem.
I thought of Sonny’s wily towel snatching when I read of Elna Baker’s panty stealing escapades on Jane Pratt’s new site, XOJane. Elna’s dog Carlos likes to steal her panties and eat their crotches. When she’s not wearing them, of course. But only the really sexy underwear. The cotton granny panties with the thick swaths of yummy elastic? Not interested.
It took poor Elna a while to figure out how Carlos was finding the underwear, and why he wasn’t interested in the non-sexy undergarments. Ultimately, she realized that he only liked the ones that she was wearing during moments that were…exciting.
After keeping my laundry basket on top of my dresser, and moving my lingerie drawer to the top of my cabinet, I finally figured out how he was doing it. One night, while my boyfriend and I were getting a little bit more intimate (having sex) I saw, from the corner of my eye, Carlos crawling mission impossible style across the edge of the bed, certain that neither of us were looking, he snatched my crumpled pair of underwear in his mouth and hopped off the bed. I flashed back to every time my underwear had gone missing and sure enough in the corner of every love scene there was a little puppy on a covert operation underwear.
As a dog trainer, my goal is to figure out the easiest way to solve problems that may arise wherever humans and dogs cohabitate. Elna solved her problem by calling a timeout during sex so that she can locate her undies before Carlos does. Kind of a buzz kill. My professional advice? Crotchless panties. You reading this, Elna? Think of it as beating him to the punch. And you wouldn’t have to bother with taking them off during sex.